and going back to spaces. it's easier to edit. It's easier to comment, it's easier to put pictures on. My feelings were hurt by something that really shouldn't have hurt them...one of my favorite bloggers removed me from his links. I think I understand why he did it, but it still hurted my feelings..oh well. Go cry ya big f-ing baby.

if you want to visit:

http://sophiasmom70.spaces.live.com/
bu bye

Mom used to tell me that life is what you make of it. I;m trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to tell myself that I have to be positive. I saw a movie last night called the pursuit of happyness. Will smith played a single father, tryig to become a stockbroker, in an unpaid internship trying to raise his sone. I saw everything he went through, and felt kind of weak for feeling so sorry for myself lately. I really don't know what to do, and I feel june pressing down on me like a 1,000lb. weight, but maybe something will have happened for me by then. I know that sitting around will not make it happen. I have to go out and do it myself.

There are so many things I wish I could say on here, so many things but too many people know where I am. I wish I could call someone, but it's 25 after 10 and no one wants to hear me whining, especially this lateI fell very alone.

this post was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to talk about turning over a new leaf, but maybe I'm not ready.whatever happens, I'm still thankful that I have a roof over my head, and a job for a while.

Mom used to tell me that life is what you make of it. I;m trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to tell myself that I have to be positive. I saw a movie last night called the pursuit of happyness. Will smith played a single father, tryig to become a stockbroker, in an unpaid internship trying to raise his sone. I saw everything he went through, and felt kind of weak for feeling so sorry for myself lately. I really don't know what to do, and I feel june pressing down on me like a 1,000lb. weight, but maybe something will have happened for me by then. I know that sitting around will not make it happen. I have to go out and do it myself.

There are so many things I wish I could say on here, so many things but too many people know where I am. I wish I could call someone, but it's 25 after 10 and no one wants to hear me whining, especially this lateI fell very alone.

this post was not supposed to be this way. I was supposed to talk about turning over a new leaf, but maybe I'm not ready.whatever happens, I'm still thankful that I have a roof over my head, and a job for a while.

I'm not feeling very strong today. I'm sick, and Thaddeus has had pneumonia again. He's getting better, thank God, but buying his antibiotics wiped me out. I have no idea how I'm going to get to work this week. Money from the male biological counterpart (mine) did not arrive as promised..gee why am I not surprised? He called me sunday from honululu (yeah you can read that again thats cool.) and I asked him about it. he apologized and said if they hadn't sent it he'd send it from there, but who knows how long that will take? Meantime I had to pay my water bill yesterday...there it goes there it goes there it goes again. I must really love being in the hole...I go there so often!

Oh well, no sense wallowing in self pity. I'll take care of it somehow I always do. Or rather, let's tell the truth and shame the devil, someone else takes care of it for me. I just hate when my babies are sick, and I hate being sick. I need to work on finding a job so I can live through summers. I've pretty well come to the conclusion that even though I love teaching, it isn't working for me. I'm going to make some calls today looking into lpn programs and maybe social work licensure. I"ve already applied for a shitload of postal exams. I WILL NOT LIE DOWN and let this beat me.

I guess I did get some good news...The kids are back on medical cards. I got that call just now as I was wallowing..thank you Lod for that little (well huge) bit of uplifting news. I may even be able to get refunded for the medicine I already paid for. Granted it will take a while, but praise Jesus.

I'm keeping Sophia home today too. we went to bed at 10:30 and she's still sawing logs, as is Thaddy. I'm going to let them sleep. I take him back to the doc today to see if he can yet go back to daycare. Etiher way I have to go to work tomorrow. I've been out three days now, and concerts wat for no man. I also have to find out about all county, nad the combined concert with west middle.

and a little more good news...the holidays did not expand my ass. i'm still at an obese 228.5 with BMI of 33.7. only 22 mored pounds and I'll be "silghtly overweight!"

love to all, especially any cute rich guys out there who'd just love to take in a poor single mom and her two kids ha ha..I know, a lot of people have it a lot worse
pacem

My little boy has pneumonia. He's doing fine, but this is terrifying, coupled with the "moomy guilt" that it must somehow be my fault since I am, after all, the mother and should have protected him from the evil illness. I can't help but think if I didn't have to work, and he didn't have to go to daycare, that this would not have happened. Oh this is so fun.

I'll probably get written up at work now too. I'm only a long term sub, so I can't call the sub system to report an absence. I got a memo at the beginning of the year that said if I was going to be absent I was to call the help desk at the sub office. I did that when Sophia was sick and it did no good whatsoever, but I did it again last night (I was able to tell them on tuesday that I would be out yesterday) I also sent my principal an email with plans and some other stuff about pulling my kids for rehearsal. she didn't get it and called me at 8:05 to ask, basically, where the fuck am I? I told her I sent her an email, but she didn't get it...I sent it again, and again to her personal email address, she still didn't get it. What could I have done differently? I should have called the school...I relied on the email and I should not have done that. Oh well, done bun can't be undone. I am now going to begin telling myself not to worry, that this one small incident will not effect my overall excellent reputation, that I will not be blackballed from every job I attempt to get, that I will not be barred from the teaching profession or asked to leave my job...will not will not will not. Why oh why will my brain never be quiet?
I'm actively concerned about the concert..I hope it goes well. I still have some practicing to do, b ut I think once all the classes are together it will be ok.

So I guess things are shitty as per usual..no I shouldn't say that. I have a lot of good things in my life Never mind the bad. I am officially down 70 lbs., and according to the "calculate your BMI" am now only obese. in 30 more lbs. I'll be "slightly overweight"! yay. a bit more upbeat song, one I have listened to a lot in the last coupke of months...lyrics for your pleasure.


Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.

Maybe sometimes, we've got it wrong, but it's alright
The more things seem to change, the more they stay the same
Oh, don't you hesitate.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

Blue as the sky, sunburnt and lonely,
Sipping tea in the bar by the roadside,
(just relax, just relax)
Don't you let those other boys fool you,
Got to love that afro hair do.

Maybe sometimes, we feel afraid, but it's alright
The more you stay the same, the more they seem to change.
Don't you think it's strange?

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

You're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow.

'Twas more than I could take, pity for pity's sake
Some nights kept me awake, I thought that I was stronger
When you gonna realise, that you don't even have to try any longer?
Do what you want to.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Girl, put your records on, tell me your favourite song
You go ahead, let your hair down
Sapphire and faded jeans, I hope you get your dreams,
Just go ahead, let your hair down.

Oh, you're gonna find yourself somewhere, somehow

It's been a long while since I've had time to post...Don't really have time now. My kids are sick and can't seem to get better. They have both had a round of Zithromax, and Thaddeus has been running a fever and coughing till he pukes. He hasn't been able to eat all week, and any medicine we've tried to give him comes right back out. Thanksgiving is up in the air..don't know if he'll be well enough to go anywhere.

Mom's been gone two years. Seems like longer and shorter all at the same time. Monday was the anniversary, and also the day I went to review my divorce agreement. weird. I'm also sick, sore throat, clogged ears the works so fun let me tell you.

I heard this song monday evening coming back from the lawyers. it is pretty much all I need to say.
TTYL

I am bound and damn determined to write something for my birthday.

This has been quite a year...lots of things have changed, lots of things have happened in my life and the lives of those I love.

A year ago I was attempting to get the FBI off it's ass and read my fingerprints so I could have a teaching license and sub for cabell county.
Now I am a full time sub for a middle school choir.

A year ago I was a stay at home mom.

A year ago I was 40 lbs. heavier than I am today.

A year ago my cousin was single and thought her heart was in fine shape.

A year ago I missed my mom...that has not changed at all.

A year ago my mom's house had not yet sold, a year later and we are broke again.

A year ago wearing high heels for the amount of time I wore them last night would have rendered me unable to walk today.

A year ago I never got a second glance.

A year ago I had no idea how hard it can be to be a telemarketer.

A year ago I had no idea about a lot of things.

I am 29. The last year of my twenties. I remember my 20th birthday, eating in the Calamity Cafe with my family and friends. My mom, my grandma, both gone now, my friends scattered to the four winds, hell, even the Calamity closed. What would I tell that girl if I could talk to her? So many things.

Happy birthday to me,
and Uncle Steve,
and Dr. Mead.

I have time to write, but I just don't feel like it. there are so many sad, bad mad things going through my head and I don't know where to put them. I can't say them. I need a counselor but I have no health insurance. There is something wrong with me and I can't fix it. There is no one who can help. I do things thinking I'll feel better and I never do.
I hope you've enjoyed my journey to the dark place.
love
aly-oops