been having one. I wish I'd quit it. the last time I did this I gained 20 lbs. it's funny to think that I am so fat, 20 lbs really doesn't make a lot of difference. I've just been thinking a lot about AAAALLLLL thre weight I need to lose. it's too mcuh..it'll never happen...etc. I learned one of the three times I jpoined weight watchers that this happens..try to think of it in manageable goals, 10 lbs, 15, whatever, but that even seems impossible. I'm so much better at talking myself out of exercisre than into it. I try to think of all the awful things about being this fat (my neck for example has gotten way out of control...) but even that is just oh well. I wonder why I feel this way?
I had a moment of intrusive thought yesterday. I hate it when this happens. a little background...one of the syptoms of my postpartum depression was called intrusive thoughts, sometimes AKA obsessions. I remeber the first time I had one. I was sitting on the couch in Lumberhole, DD was not nursing well. she was crying I was crying..I began to think about going in the kitchen and getting the long knife and holding her on my chest, putting it through both of us. I was horrified that this came into my head, but then the image kept repeating. it eventually stopped, but it was highly disturbing.I had them off and on until she was about 18 months old. With DS it was the same thing, only different. I got obsessed with the book and movie pet sematary. if you are unfamiliar, their little boy gets run over by an eighteen wheeler. Stephen King is very descriptive. I got obsessed that this was going to happen to DS, and began reading the book over and over. I don't know exactly what this was supposed to accomplish, but I did it anyway.
usually these thoughts have some sort of trigger..a couple of weeks ago there was a news story that set me off, about a crazy lady who threw her kids off a bridge. that was a bad one..panic attack. yesterday was pretty mild compared to that, but there was no trigger really, just playing with DS and all of a sudden i thought this is the age the little boy in PS was when he got killed..and there it went. It eventually stopped, but it was several hours throughout the evening. it sux.
anyway, I just cannot seem to find my motivation. it's not the eating...I don't do too badly on that. if it isn't in the house I don't eat it, but if it is oh shit...it's the exercise. there are a variety of exercises I can do but for some reason I just don't want to. Maybe I'll drag Dr. Phil out. that book did help me, made it seem manageable. I was thinking about the assumptions people make about fat people...lazy, no will power, etc, and for me right now they are right. I don't sit around and eat all day by any means, but I don't do all that I could either.
well, maybe writing all this down will help. changed the template again. decided I didn't like the other one. maybe I'll fast today. it always hels me to do that..clears the pipes, drop a coupkle pounds of water.
see ya'll